I wish I could drag you out of your bed
I wish I could tell to you what I feel you should do
in a way that will make you listen
and do the work:

go outside every morning and RUN
not just a little but
RUN Forrest RUN
until your heart is beating, your blood is flowing, sweat is dripping – until things are starting to move again

if the voices come, welcome them, let them be
it’s not the voices
but the resistance that’s driving you crazy

meditate every day
not with an app to become more productive
just with yourself
sit with yourself
this is you
you are not your voices
you are alive

stop waiting for spring
don’t let your life be ruled by the position of the planet
you are entirely up to you
what can you do right now to feel one percent better?

put the music on and dance forever
dance dance dance
dance and simply don’t stop

stop eating take-away food you ordered online
go and buy vegetables and for god’s sake
cook yourself a decent meal every day
feed yourself, nurture yourself, challenge yourself

tell yourself you are brave
be brave

think about your father
what would he say?
now it is your turn – start saying to yourself what your father would say

create a structure for your days, your weeks, ask for help if needed
get out of the house every day before 9 a.m.
every day – weekdays, weekends, no excuses

make lists of things you feel grateful for
and if you can’t feel
make lists of things you know you once felt grateful for

write your big sister a letter to say how you miss her
write your little sister a letter to say how you miss her
take the car to Antwerp to deliver it in person
show up
look at her
look at her life
isn’t she amazing?
ask her to be her brother again
ask her to spend time together again

when your mother invites you to go walk the dogs in the woods
say yes
and don’t cancel it later
bring her flowers (not a bouquet!!) and/or grain from the mill
remember: this is the woman who birthed you
can you even imagine birthing a child?

be with her
cry with her
touch her.
be a son

these women are the ones that raised you
if you can’t love yourself, love them
if you can’t find the power to care for yourself, care for them
help them, serve them, make an effort
keep investing time and energy and going to stupid family occasions where everyone falls in old patterns and together you are being a mess

you must not wait

you must change your life

no one is going to come and save you

2 Replies to “J,”

  1. Ah ja Fen, dat wou ik ook! Dat je dat kon, dat wij
    en zo fijn dat je dit schrijft Ik hou van jou lief kind

  2. Je hebt me even laten huilen

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