there are so many things I hate about you

I hate you because being with you
is wasting minutes
is wasting hours
is wasting buckets of heavily raised self-esteem

being with you
means being looked at
not in a loving oh-look-how-amazing-she-is! way
but in a way that says let’s have a look what I can use you for

being with you equals being used, even though my name is The User

you don’t believe in fake and real
but not because you’re in a philosophy course
no, because fake is make-able
so you can make whatever makes
me addicted to you
so I won’t love but need you

your stupid memes, your emptiness, your neverendingness
oh how I hate you
but wait – that’s not the point of this poem
today I love you, that’s the point

you are avoiding an arrival in an empty room
in a city that doesn’t look at me one minute
with white walls that don’t speak to me

you are deleting tears
tears of why-have-I-done-this
I-will-never-make-friends tears
silent tears that no one will see

instead, you are setting me up
in a vegetarian house with yellow bananas in front of yellow walls
and an oven that wants me try to bake bread
a house big enough
to fit everyones auras and me-time and me-with-a-boy-time

instead of talking to my bedroom tables
you are having me spend my first day walking
together with a girl who also doesn’t want a smartphone
never wanted a smartphone
never drinks coffee
has never read harry
and a girl from bologna
who goes to free yoga
who is a muse to her boyfriend
maybe because he loves her but probably because she is hella poetic
with her italian coffee and her italian eyes and her italian thoughts

instead of wanting to go home
or never having left
you have us fantasising over our second day dinner
about staying, raising children here

you’re changing the algorithms of moving to a new city
of being a stranger looking for strangers
of feeling lonely and lost and the only one ever

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