today was another day of getting outside not before semidarkness happened
another day of fighting inner thought spirals till three o’clock
you should go outside – no I can’t – you should – I can’t – go – no – go – no – go – no no no – go

when I finally went out I ran into two beautiful girls
well only one of them was beautiful actually, but so beautiful she made up for her friend
they asked me what I was grateful for
I will add that one to my list of favourite opening lines

then they started talking about their mormon church and what I knew about Jesus Christ and all that
they were from Utah on their missionary
because I was not dismissive they invited me to sit with them in a cafe for thirty minutes
and I said yes because my current policy tells me to
and they talked about the history and the book of mormon and I asked questions about things
and they said a prayer and let me read verses in their bible and asked me to focus on how it made me feel
and asked how it made me feel

I tried to answer honestly

I looked at the two girls
the beautiful one was so nice and I knew I could become friends with her
the other one was fake in a way only Americans can be
but I made an effort to also look at her
because this was also her missionary after all

they talked about the many forms of Christianity and that theirs is the True church

about how baptism erases all your sins
whoah all I am trying to do is to live a bit more sinful, I thought but didn’t say

they asked if I wanted to say a prayer
and I said yes because my current policy tells me to
you have to begin with Dear God, then say what you want to say and end with in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen

they asked for my mobile phone number and I gave my real one
so they could text me the address of the church I will meet them next Sunday half past ten

I want to go because whoah anthropology
and because I want to say yes and be open and learn and all that
because I still hope to understand them
I still hope to feel the love of God and Jesus and their pride
how awesome would that be?

I am pretty sure I won’t
I was not raised religiously and I am too intelligent to be brainwashed at this age. Therefore I am screwed

they gave me my own copy of the book of mormon
and two hugs

when I walked away I felt something warm and fuzzy in my belly
they say this is God loving me
I believe it is me
loving strangers, beauty, being, breathing
the human condition

it is me

One Reply to “beliefs”

  1. Fenna, wat een heerlijk verhaal en wat een fijne policies. XXJoos

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