In an attempt to study I find myself having tea at my new favourite place again
I write in my journal
19 december 2017
I feel so much love flowing through my body
I want to give it to give it all
but to whom? whom can I give this to?
to the only flatmate left, the one not gone home for Christmas, the one disgusting me with smoking in her room?
to the general relativity classmates who are always so superficial?
to Favourite Waiter?
my body is so heavily laden with love
yet no one to stroke, no one to hug;
Edinburgh is emptying itself for Christmas
the stabbing love stuck in my body, it hurts
and it occurs to me that I have to go and give Favourite Waiter a hug
I wait until the others are out of sight
but this does not happen so whatever, I’ll let them see it
I pay with another waiter, and when Favourite Waiter makes eye contact to say goodbye
I beckon him over and say
maybe this is weird but I’m still gonna ask: can I give you a hug
and we hug in that one shoulder way
and he says merry Christmas and I say merry Christmas
and he says see ya because he thinks he’ll see me again
I walk home and don’t curse myself
no I-should-haves or I-shouldn’ts
this is part of me this is who I want to be and am
weird and unconventional and loving and brave